Tangled Times: Unusual News and Views

Man Punches Impolite Drive-Through Clerk

Duane L. Williams only wanted to super-size his value-meal... Now the poor guy's been charged with "simple assault, disorderly conduct and harassment."

According to the AP, Williams "thought the clerk at a fast-food drive-through was rude for not saying 'please' and 'thank you' [so he pried open the drive through window and] punched her in the face."

We all have our share of fast-food horror stories.  Sometimes they're stingy with the ketchup... or top a burger with everything except the condiment you requested.

Somehow, I've managed to restrain myself from physically assaulting the cross-eyed teenagers who lurk behind grease-coated windows.  (A few deep breaths, a mouthful of fries...and the moment passes.)

Who knows what was on Williams' mind on Thursday.  Maybe he had a bad day... maybe he's trying to start his own sick version of Pay-It-Forward... (Punch-it-Forward?).  I honestly don't know.

It's your turn - What's the worst/strangest experience you've ever had at a drive-through window?

Pant-less Police Have Baltimore Covered

The signs of summer are all around us - swarming mosquitos, tourist gridlock, sunburn, flip-flop odor...
and cops without pants.

Hey, it's cheaper than air conditioning... doesn't require dry-cleaning and might even encourage overweight officers to shed a few pounds.

According to a UPI article, "The Baltimore Police announced that it has run out of police-issue pants in sizes 36 and 38."

Said Troy Harris, a Baltimore police spokesman, "We're putting in an emergency order for those two sizes."

No word on what the pant-less officers are up to.  Let's hope they're not patrolling Charm City in the buff.  That's a Mason-Dixon line we all don't have to cross.  One can hope.

German Taxman Robs Pols With Fake 'Peters'

You've heard of folks cheating on their taxes - but how about a taxman cheating on his citizens?

According to Reuters, "a German official, who stole more than $230,000 from the state by inventing taxpayers and claiming money owed to them," will be jailed for three years and three months.

Since 2003, the unidentified bureaucrat siphoned money off three 'imaginary friends.'  But wait... it gets even better.

He stashed the bulk of the illicit funds into multiple bank accounts, "including ones held by his wife and mother-in-law."

As they weren't implicated - it would seem that he kept the whole mess a secret from them.  How's that for a set of steel cojones?

Let's look on the bright side - where he's headed, he'll surely need them.

Judge Folds in $54 Million Pants Bid

What does it say about this country - when a U.S. Administrative Law Judge can sue a dry cleaner for $54 Million?

Damn, we love our pants. 

Did Judge Roy Pearson chase down a sheep, tackle the fuzzy bastard and then, mustering all his judicial power, sheer the animal and weave its hair into a sentimental pair of slacks? 

C'mon, he bought them in the mall, like the rest of us.  Probably from Men's Wearhouse. 

Now, at last, the world's dry-cleaners can breath a sigh of relief.  Pearson has lost his infamous 'pants' case.

According to Yahoo News, Judge Judith Bartnoff declared, "A reasonable consumer would not interpret 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' to mean that a merchant is required to satisfy a customer's unreasonable demands."

"Bartnoff ordered Pearson to pay clerical court costs of about $1,000 to defendants Soo Chung, Jin Nam Chung and Ki Y. Chung. A motion to recover the Chungs' tens of thousands of dollars in attorney fees will be considered later."

In a perfect world, loonies like Judge Pearson (pictured above) would be disbarred and chained to the Washington Monument for a few days... preferably during peak tourist season.  A fitting end to his saga - and a metaphorical tribute to Washington's 'prick of the week.'

Mall Drive-Through Leaves Shoppers Shaken

Ah, the crazy things we do for love.

Dwight Thomas, a 19-year-old Amityville resident, unleashed his own brand of 'horror' last Thursday.  After his girlfriend called off their relationship - he was determined to have the last word.

No text message would do... no phone call would suffice.  He had to meet her in person at a Long Island mall.

When he slammed his car through the mall entrance... odds are she got the point.  But he didn't stop there.  Thomas crashed through the building, sending shoppers leaping for their lives.  When his vehicular rampage came to a halt, he had plowed through 500 yards and done $60,000 worth of damage.

Sergeant Anthony Repalone told the AP "It's a miracle that nobody was injured.  You've got kids, women pushing strollers, elderly people walking around. ... It's amazing to me that nobody was injured."

Thomas was arrested at the scene, after smashing through a row of kiosks, skidding around a McDonald's and crashing through another set of entrance doors.  He's now being held on $750,000 bail.

Not surprisingly lawyers have come oozing out of the woodwork.  Thomas' attorney, Arthur Edwards, told the judge, "We believe this matter should be resolved in a non-criminal setting."

Evidently, this 19-year-old thug has a mental condition - and is being treated with prescription drugs.

Boo-freakin'-hoo-hoo.

I can't take any more of this sappy crap about depression and drugs and how those who are unhappy or deranged should be coddled, rehabbed and given a little 'pat on the back.' 

It's bad enough that we're saturated with Paris Hilton's infantile whining.  Now we have a cretin like Thomas we're supposed to feel sorry for?

Bottom line, they're responsible for their lives.  They failed.  Their families failed.  Their drugs failed.  And if they get a slap on the wrist, the system's failed. 

Cops Order German Girl: "Clean Your Room!"

A young German lass was ordered to clean her room - first by her mother...then by the local police.

After blowing off her mother's request, the child posted a sign in her bedroom window: "Help!" and "Please call the police!"

The 9-year-old had been observed crying her eyes out and hoisting the hand-made sign, which led a few passers-by to alert the authorities. 

Within minutes, a squadron of cops arrived, banging on the front door.

After a quick glance at the child's room, an officer declared it "a battlefield" and told her she'd better tidy up.  Sure enough, when police returned two hours later, the room was spic and span.

You know, this gives me an idea... Maybe we can start selling these "Help!  Call the Police" signs to parents.  When the cops arrive, the mom or dad on duty can simply direct them to the child's room. 

Instant discipline and zero guilt.  Hey... you pay enough sales tax and state income tax... why not get some free parental assistance out of it?

From Ale to Jail

A hardened, bar-hopping criminal has found himself behind bars. 

German police, in hot pursuit of a cellphone bandit, employed a pint of trickery to locate their suspect.  An enterprising officer called the stolen phone's number.  When the crook answered, the he was told "You've won a crate of beer.  May we drop it off for you?"

Delirious with joy, the man revealed his address.  But within minutes, his dream of free suds was shot. Said the officer, "I think the man was drunk."

From Pecks to Prison... Gere Irks Indians

An Indian court has issued a warrant for Richard Gere's arrest.  In doing so, they accomplished, perhaps, what every right winger in America could not.

The actor, a known left-wing proponent, is in hot water for steaming up the proceedings of a New Delhi HIV/Aids benefit.  During the show, Gere embraced Bollywood star, Shirpa Shetty, kissing her several times on the cheek.

Now, I don't give a damn about Gere, Shetty or any airhead, activist mouthpiece. The issue here is India's befuddling intolerance.

According to Yahoo News, Indian law forbids such 'public obscenity' as cheek kissing.  "Last week, crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of the 57-year-old star of An Officer and a Gentleman, American Gigolo and Pretty Woman"

India is fast emerging as a dominant global force.  Too bad their social policy is one of schizophrenia. 

Is it any wonder Indian males are wound so tight?  God forbid they make eye contact with a woman or express affection in public... "off to jail you go." 

Robber Flushes Cash Down the Drain

A suspect, held on bank robbery charges, has buckled under police interrogation. 

Yesterday, the unnamed male divulged the loot's hiding place.  The location?  His parents' toilet.  Allegedly, this guy made off with a sack of money.  At some point, an ink bomb exploded, rendering the cash worthless.  So he did what any other bright, young Ohioan would do... cut it into strips...and flush his troubles away.

No clear motive for the act was apparent.  Tangled Times believes the kid just wanted to know what it felt like to be a U.S. congressman. 

Incidentally, if this ever happens to you, take a page from the pros in Washington.  Credibility is shred-ability.  And the Fellowes PowerShred PS-77CS is the right tool for the job. 

Canadian Judge Coddles a Criminal

Daniel Baines, a Canadian man, admitted to shoplifting nearly $100 in razor blades from a Vancouver super market  So why did a judge award him $10,645?

In the process of fleeing, he was tackled and subdued by the store's employees.  He struggled in vain to escape.  Force was employed.... and this sad sack of a man lost a tooth.

What kind of world are we living in ... where you can't risk "hurting" this kind of worthless vermin?  He's lucky they didn't take a wrench to his head, or worse, throw him in the store's bailer. 

This wasn't a matter of employees making a mistake...tackling the wrong man or pummeling him within inches of his life. 

They tackled and subdued a criminal. 

How can ANYONE be sorry for a guy who steals razor blades?  It's not like this was some starving, homeless kid who wanted a Snickers bar. 

And what kind of message does this send to other would-be thieves?  "You have nothing to lose"?  That's what it sounds like to me.... You either get away with stolen merchandise... or simply struggle to the point of personal injury, then the store's owner -- the very person you're screwing over -- has to hand you 10 grand.

I know justice is blind but, damn, can't she take a peek once in a while?